If you read this blog, you’ll notice that there was a very long break between one set of postings and then when they picked up again. In 2009 I separated from my husband of 20 years for reasons that were deep, troubling, and irreconcilable. I won’t go into it in detail here. But when I went through the separation and the subsequent divorce, I can honestly say that I could see God’s design in not giving the two of us children.
I was, in fact, protected by God through my childlessness. Knowing that fact did NOT ease the pain of being childless, any more than having one’s leg removed to save one from gangrene or bone cancer eases them from the grief of losing the leg. People would say to me, “Wow, aren’t you glad you didn’t have children with him?”, as though somehow now I was supposed to only be glad about being childless. I could realize the benefit of being childless while going through that divorce, of knowing that I wouldn’t have any other ties that bound me to him, but that didn’t make me glad to be childless.
But through the last four years, I’ve continued to read the comments that were left on this blog. At this time, posts on this blog have been read more than 18,500 times, even though I stopped writing! It was very humbling, and a testament to the silent sufferings of women all over the world who struggle with infertility. And it was still a blessing to me to hear from women who were struggling, to hear their encouragement and prayers for me, and to answer them as best I could, even while trying to make sense of the changes in my own life.
Fast forward to 2013, and I’m newly married to a wonderful and supportive man, Dan! He also always wanted children but never had them, and so we are going through the exploration of “is it even possible for us at this stage of our lives?” It’s exciting, and it’s frightening. In a way , I’m mostly afraid of opening all these old wounds again and reliving the day-to-day experience of infertility and the struggle to conceive. I’m also afraid of introducing Dan to this particular type of pain and struggle. But we’re in it together, and blessed by God regardless of our circumstances.
So, I’m back, with all my thoughts, my prayers, my joy, and my love. Back in the trenches with hope and love in one hand, and maybe some extra knowledge and wisdom in the other, but always, through everything, covered in His Grace.