I’m Trish. I’m an articulate, educated, resourceful, eclectic 38-year-old woman. I’m a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a neice, an aunt, a friend, a teacher, and Christian.
I also happen to be
Infertile.
Barren.
Sterile.
Childless.
Call it what you will, it hurts, and it hurts deeply. It makes you question your very existence, your purpose in life, your contribution to the world. Your worth, your value, your fate, your future, your past…your everything. Infertility colors ever question you have and every plan you make. It affects you in minute ways that you can’t escape, and it changes your relationships.
But I think I’m finding hope, not in overcoming my infertility, but in living with it. This hope comes through my relationship with God, as a Christian, and through the reading of His Word. Jesus said, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted,” and I believe Him.
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January 6, 2009 at 11:23 am
Kari
I don’t know where to start. I’m glad I got the courage to find your site, as I sit here and ball my eyes out. It’s a rollercoaster, though I thought I was doing pretty good at accepting the way God created me. I am 31. Married now for 5 years to the best husband I could ever have. 16 years ago I found out I could never have children. I was born without a uterus. So during my teenage years I rebelled and struggled with my emotions. Since then I’ve accepted the fact that I can never have children. The trials come when family doesn’t understand, nor wants to. My mother always says the wrong things and my brother and his wife finally brought grandchildren into the picture. And since I don’t have any children, my sister in law says we really don’t have anything in common. Sorry I’m on a soapbox.
The good news, is that the Lord is good. Yes, this is a continual crisis in my life, however, I am so thankful I have a relationship with the Lord to carry me through (and the best husband in the world). 3 summers ago while on my back for several months from a back injury, the Lord gave me a song. “Wonderful Creator, Merciful Lord, you are my refuge, you are my strength, you are my joy when all around me is pain. Wonderful Creator, Merciful Lord, and I cry Lord, why my frailties, and I cry, Lord, why my abnormalities? You say, my child, what is this? I have made you perfect for my plan.”
A simple trust. Holding onto truths that we don’t completely understand. Then what is my purpose in life? To be the best at what He has given to me. To be the best wife, the best daughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece and aunt, friend. How? Let Him live through me. Not to allow the selfish pain harden my heart which in turn keeps me heading in the other direction, the path of destruction.
I do pray the Lord will bring a good, godly girlfriend into my life. I ask for you to pray for me.
Thank you for your website. Thank you for sharing your heart. Something I vow to do more of this new year.
God bless you, your marriage and your work,
Kari
September 6, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Deziree
I had a long conversation with my husband last night. He told me this ‘baby’ thing was consuming my life. My attitude toward him and others was not good and I needed help. So this morning I woke up looking for help. I happen to stumble across this website. You have put into words what I was feeling. I had no idea how to articulate what I was struggling with. Now that I have read this and a few of your entries I understand. Before I found this blog I kept telling myself God has a plan, He knows what he is doing. I am so scared that I will not be able to have children. I just realized this last night. Your blog has helped me to understand that motherhood does not make me who I am or who I am not. Thank you for blessing me!