I’m Trish. I’m an articulate, educated, resourceful, eclectic 38-year-old woman. I’m a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a neice, an aunt, a friend, a teacher, and Christian.
I also happen to be
Infertile.
Barren.
Sterile.
Childless.
Call it what you will, it hurts, and it hurts deeply. It makes you question your very existence, your purpose in life, your contribution to the world. Your worth, your value, your fate, your future, your past…your everything. Infertility colors ever question you have and every plan you make. It affects you in minute ways that you can’t escape, and it changes your relationships.
But I think I’m finding hope, not in overcoming my infertility, but in living with it. This hope comes through my relationship with God, as a Christian, and through the reading of His Word. Jesus said, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted,” and I believe Him.
15 comments
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January 6, 2009 at 11:23 am
Kari
I don’t know where to start. I’m glad I got the courage to find your site, as I sit here and ball my eyes out. It’s a rollercoaster, though I thought I was doing pretty good at accepting the way God created me. I am 31. Married now for 5 years to the best husband I could ever have. 16 years ago I found out I could never have children. I was born without a uterus. So during my teenage years I rebelled and struggled with my emotions. Since then I’ve accepted the fact that I can never have children. The trials come when family doesn’t understand, nor wants to. My mother always says the wrong things and my brother and his wife finally brought grandchildren into the picture. And since I don’t have any children, my sister in law says we really don’t have anything in common. Sorry I’m on a soapbox.
The good news, is that the Lord is good. Yes, this is a continual crisis in my life, however, I am so thankful I have a relationship with the Lord to carry me through (and the best husband in the world). 3 summers ago while on my back for several months from a back injury, the Lord gave me a song. “Wonderful Creator, Merciful Lord, you are my refuge, you are my strength, you are my joy when all around me is pain. Wonderful Creator, Merciful Lord, and I cry Lord, why my frailties, and I cry, Lord, why my abnormalities? You say, my child, what is this? I have made you perfect for my plan.”
A simple trust. Holding onto truths that we don’t completely understand. Then what is my purpose in life? To be the best at what He has given to me. To be the best wife, the best daughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece and aunt, friend. How? Let Him live through me. Not to allow the selfish pain harden my heart which in turn keeps me heading in the other direction, the path of destruction.
I do pray the Lord will bring a good, godly girlfriend into my life. I ask for you to pray for me.
Thank you for your website. Thank you for sharing your heart. Something I vow to do more of this new year.
God bless you, your marriage and your work,
Kari
September 6, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Deziree
I had a long conversation with my husband last night. He told me this ‘baby’ thing was consuming my life. My attitude toward him and others was not good and I needed help. So this morning I woke up looking for help. I happen to stumble across this website. You have put into words what I was feeling. I had no idea how to articulate what I was struggling with. Now that I have read this and a few of your entries I understand. Before I found this blog I kept telling myself God has a plan, He knows what he is doing. I am so scared that I will not be able to have children. I just realized this last night. Your blog has helped me to understand that motherhood does not make me who I am or who I am not. Thank you for blessing me!
July 26, 2010 at 10:01 pm
Joe
Praised be Jesus Christ!
Please consider looking at our website for a Catholic Saint, Gianna Beretta Molla: Here are the thank you’s from women who are now pregnant (and received other blessings too). God bless. Joe
http://www.saintgianna.org/readthankyou.php
October 14, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Rachel Randolph
Hi, Trish. I am coordinating a blog tour for a book called “If I…I Will.” The author, Debbie Covington, has also struggled through finding out she was infertile and accepting life without children. Her book is a look at the suffering woman in Mark 5 and how we can learn from her how to have hope and trust through our suffering.
Would you be interested in participating in the blog tour Nov. 1 – Nov. 5?
If so, please send me an email and I’ll send you the details.
Blessings,
Rachel
October 14, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Rachel Randolph
Trish, in case you can’t see an email address with my account above, you can email me at rachel.randolph (at) redcouchpr.com.
December 5, 2010 at 9:45 am
Stephanie
Thank you for your encouraging words. Why have you stopped blogging? Do you blog somewhere else?
April 26, 2011 at 9:26 am
Sarah
I am so glad to know there is someone who knows and understands how I feel.
May 3, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Amy
I found your blog via search engine. First of all, I wanted to say you’re blessed because you’re a believer in Jesus Christ regardless if you popped out a kid or not. You are still advancing His Kingdom in this world. We may be in different spots in our lives but we all are in the SAME boat no matter what we’re going through! You may want to check out the article at ChristianToday.com about barrenness if you haven’t. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/december/21.22.html
September 21, 2011 at 3:25 pm
Sherry
Hi my name is Sherry i just love your blogs it just uplift my spirit every you mention i went through i have been trying now for nine years plus to have a child but unable to i am praying for God’s will to be done in my life because the hurt and pain this has cause me is unbearable the cruel things spoken to me by my sister-law-in that i will be a misable old woman with no kids lonely all alone but i know whom i serve will never leaves me or forsake me inspite of my infertility i don’t know why me,but why not me God holds my future and he is the only one knows why but this road is a very painful but i pray that God will bring me through and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
January 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Glenda
Sherry,
I understand how you feel. I just discovered that I am no longer able to have children. I waited to long to get myself checked and my medical condition killed all my eggs. The hardest part of all is dealing with the stares, the comments, the cruelty of people, and the anger. Having no one to talk to who can understand you is even worse. If you need someone to vent, please write me
Glenda
January 21, 2012 at 4:20 am
criscook12
Hello Trish, I am not sure if your blog is still active but I do want to thank you for it. I just found it yesterday while searching for the Christian view on infertility in Google. It is amazing that your story and my story are really similar. You have the gift of words and the way you explain your feelings and how God talks to you is the same way it happens to me. Your blog helped me to solidify my belief of God purpose for me whether or not I have children. I had already told Him couple of years ago at a women retreat that His grace was enough for me. Having suffered the pain of infertility myself has just drawn me closer to Christ, has improved my relationship with Him and has giving me a better understanding of His power and the way He answer prayers. For the most part He always answer yes however about having my own children He answered no. Infertility treatment after infertility treatment, a miscarriage and bad experience with foster care just showed me that it is not His plan for my life. My husband and I are finally over with everything including adoption process . We are now trying to focus on God’s desire for our life and you know what it is well with my soul. I love Christ so much that His grace and love fill even my barren womb. God bless.
February 9, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Melanie Lopata
I googled this. I googled “barren woman blog” and chose this one. Am a 34 year old woman, no children. I have a 13 yr old stepdaughter and 18 yr old stepson who we get on a “part time” basis. I’m close to them but there’s still that emptiness. I run a home daycare; I have infants and toddlers. I love them. I am still empty.
Why, I wonder, would God allow the desire to conceive and/or adopt be on my heart if it wasn’t going to happen? And I am a woman who have wanted children since my teens
Thanks for your blog.
February 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Julie
Thank you for your blog. Infertility can be a very lonely place. Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this new world.
March 4, 2012 at 1:20 am
Reagan
I am not sure if you are still blogging but I sure hope you are. I have found encouragement in reading your experience. I will be 36 this month. My husband and I have been trying for awhile. Doctors tell me we are both find. I don’t know what the problem is, and am growing weary already in trying to figure it out. We waited longer than most of our friends to try because my husband wasn’t ready. Then, when we were both ready, we realized it was not that easy. I seriously am the only person I know that has struggled with getting pregnant. I feel very alone. I know my husband is in it with me, and the Lord is with me in this but it is hard to not feel free to talk with friends openly because they are either pregnant or have kids already. So, thanks for sharing here. It helps to know I am not the only one.
March 5, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Lacey Noland
I cannot describe how perfectly your words describe the feelings I have inside. I feel comforted knowing other people struggle with the same challenges and pain I feel. When NOONE else understands because they could never truly put themselves in our place, I am uplifted and faithfully continue to “press on” because of your precious blog. Thank you for writing the words we all want to say.