When you experience infertility, it seems that every other woman in the world is pregnant. I still have that feeling, but not just in that concrete obvious way. I often get the impression that every thing, every comment, is geared to draw attention to my infertility and conspire to make me feel inadequate and a failure.
A less-than woman. A less-than person.
This has happened twice this week, two experiences that really stayed with me and left me chewing over them during my drive into work today.
The first happened at the museum of fine art over the weekend. My mother and I had gone to spend a day out together, and I was happily reading the little notes to the left of the paintings, when I read a description that I allowed to steal my joy away. It read,
Famous Artist So-and-so considered motherhood to be the ideal expression of womanhood.
And then I read this article on CNN.com and the kicker phrase in this article states:
Having a baby is the ultimate bonding experience.
Comments like these only serve to accomplish one thing in my life: they make me feel that my experiences are condemned to be less than ideal, that no matter what I do, I can never have a full life, and that I can never fulfill the requirements of ideal womanhood. They scream to me that I should just get used to the idea that I will never know ultimate bonding, that no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up to even the minimum standard.
I was turning these thoughts over in my head this morning, trying to reconcile them with my heart, when I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, clear as day, “Trish, that’s the world talking. You know that’s not true for you.”
Wow. Just let that sink in for a minute, because even as I write this, I have to pause and let my thoughts catch up with my beating heart.
It is the world’s view, and it’s so insidious that it can influence even our best-intentioned Christian thoughts. What makes it so seductive is how pure it seems on the surface. Afterall, the world asks, what can be more pure than motherhood? What can be more perfect than the bond between a woman and her children?
It’s an illusion, a distraction, from the truth. It’s Satan’s subtle way of saying, It’s a beautiful feeling, so it must be right. By focusing our views and thoughts on childbearing as the ultimate and ideal , the true Ultimate and Ideal is overshadowed in our minds: God.
It places childbearing on an untenable pedestal, makes it the new idol, the new theology of our society. Even our values are now phrased in terms of Family Values, not God’s Values.
Christian women also fall victim to this seductive view of womanhood. I know I have. And I’ve had kind and sincere well-meaning Christian friends say they are praying for me that I would have children, “because you can’t really understand and experience God’s love until you’ve had children of your own.”
Talk about killing me with kindness! According to this viewpoint, not only can I never attain the ultimate and ideal expressions of womanhood, I also will never fully experience God’s love!
But Sisters, it’s a lie that motherhood is the highest calling of women. It’s a warm, beautiful, and seductive lie, and to those of us who are precluded from it’s fulfillment, it’s a sharp and bitter sword that separates us from finding our true worth and purpose as women of God.
I have to remind myself, when the world tells me that I’m less than the ideal expression of womanhood, that God tells me that the ideal expression of my womanhood, the reason He created me, was to worship Him. That the ideal expression of my personhood, above all, is to be Christ’s ambassador on this earth, to be like Christ.
To understand God’s love through the love of a child is a step in the right direction, and I don’t mean to take anything away from parents in this regard! It’s a beautiful bond that cannot be imitated. If you are a parent, please don’t take offense, but your love of your children, while strong and undeniable, is not the ultimate love.
Jesus said, If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:46-48)
I believe that in this passage, Jesus is saying, “It’s perfectly natural to love your children and your family, it’s the way you are designed. But the true measure of your love is how you love those who are unlovely, who are not your flesh and blood, who are unloved.”
Perfect love, as God loves, is to love super-naturally. Beyond the natural. That’s how God demonstrates His love. Certainly, a mother can aspire do that.
But so can a woman with no children!
As women, we need to be careful about not letting the world set our standards. As Christian women, we need to be especially careful of this, because while it is good to study and reflect on the qualities of faithful mothers and women in the Bible as models of earthly women who walked in faith and love, they are models for living, but should not be our ideal models for living.
Our only ideal should be Christ, and the ultimate bonding experience that we seek should be the bond of relationship between our soul and God.
So while I may indeed be missing out on the experiences of motherhood, while I may indeed never fulfill the world’s view of perfect womanhood, I need not fear missing out on the Ideal or the Ultimate on account of my disease or my inability to bear children.
God is my Ideal and my Ultimate.
23 comments
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January 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm
screamofcontinuousness
wow.
I seem to say that a lot after reading your work. Wow.
Way to turn the issue on it’s head and force me to see it differently. I had never once thought about the “ideal of motherhood” as being a possible idol that had crept into a higher place than God.
January 30, 2008 at 1:43 pm
andrea_jennine
So true. I’ve been thinking about similar things lately, about how the world and even the culture of the church seems in many ways to say that motherhood is the ultimate expression of femininity. But that’s just not true. An expression of femininity, sure. But the expression? No. Look at that great biblical example of womanhood in Proverbs 31. By no means is her character defined by her relationship to her children. She is a composite of many roles.
January 30, 2008 at 3:15 pm
marina lombardo
Trish, I could not agree more with your criticism of being a traditional mother as the sole and ultiimate bonding experience for women. In fact, I believe that mothering and the act of bonding is so natural for many women, that the best “mothers” i have known have often not had children at all.
I write the column “Emotionally Speaking” for Conceive Magazine, and back a couple of years ago, they asked me to write a column for mother’s day. I entitled the column, “Celebrating the Mother In Us All,” and in the column I quoted Adrienne Rich in her book, “Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution.” Her words are so beautiful, that I’d like to share them with you:
“The ‘childless woman’ and the “mother’ are a false polarity…There are no such simple categories…(once) all females, of whatever age, were called ‘mothers’–even little girls. Women…were sisters to one another and mothers to all children of the community without regard to which individual mother bore any child.”
Mothering is not just what women do…it is who we are.
Many blessings
marina lombardo
http://www.iammorethanmyinfertility.wordpress.com
info@iammore.net
January 30, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Lori
Yes, yes. I have seen women get so consumed by the power of motherhood that they decide they no longer need their husbands. It was frightening and sad to say the least.
We cannot forget that all things are gifts from God. He creates, we do not. He choses to bless us with our abilities and circumstances.
I like these verses from 1 Corinthians:
“Christ made us right wtih God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. Therefore, as the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.’” (30b-31)
This is the ideal, and so many miss it.
January 30, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Christina
Thank you for writing this eye opening post. I really needed to see that. Please don’t stop writing.
January 30, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Steph
Thank you for your comments. I find myself falling prey to the world’s view of being a mother. I appreciated your reference to Matthew 5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I needed to hear them.
January 31, 2008 at 10:06 am
Janna
Thank you so much for writing this. I SOOOO needed to hear this message. Many days I feel like nothing because I don’t have children. And on those days I’m coming to reread this post. You have an amazing gift of lifting other up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
February 1, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Jennifer
Great words, Trish! I always love to read what you have to say!
PS: I tagged you for a round robin get-to-know-you!
February 7, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Missy
Amen sister.
This same lie is what causes so many mothers to idolize the children they do have.
We are created to bring God glory. Period. The ways that God provides us to live out that calling are as unlimited and as fascinating as the stars in the sky.
February 11, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Jon
Even as a Christian of the non-female variety – AMEN!
We can all really learn from this
Jon
http://faithfertility.blogspot.com/
February 20, 2008 at 11:21 am
Excellent Post « Life Capture
[...] over at blessed are the barren. check it [...]
March 31, 2008 at 6:39 am
Jess
Thank you so much for your words. God led me here to your blog today because I needed to read that. I want to read more – and I will – but I have to let this post sink in first. You’ve blessed me tremendously today. Thank you.
January 20, 2009 at 11:46 pm
bonnie
I found your blog today, and I wanted to say thanks for your writings.
It is so encouraging to hear from a mature Christian woman, faithfully following God along the path of infertility and childlessness. I’m taking my first steps along that path as my husband and I begin treatment, and the few posts I’ve read on your blog have encouraged me and rebuked me. They were just what I needed to hear.
August 17, 2009 at 8:00 am
what to say « stream of continuousness
[...] do yourself a huge favor. Read this blog post from a friend of mine. It address some theological and cultural hurdles that infertile women face in the church. It [...]
September 6, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Deziree
You have put into words what I was feeling. Thank you so much.
February 26, 2010 at 10:51 pm
sarah
hi. i have only read the last two posts and i am completely moved to tears. my husband and i have been trying for four years and sometimes what hurts the most is not having someone who can relate to such a painful struggle. what you wrote about our true bonding being with God should be so obvious but as you know, our hearts can be quite easily distracted. tonight, i really needed someone who understood and out of the blue i found your blog. i hope you will continue to do this and reach other women like me. we need to remind each other of our faith and our true purpose in life. thank you from the bottom of my heart. i know it isn’t easy to share what you have and i will gratefully read your other posts. i will also pray for you and hope that you continue down this very important path of enlightenment and growth. feel free to email me if you like. God bless you.
December 1, 2010 at 5:07 am
Iman's mommy
lovely, inspiring words. I have come to rely on support from other survivors of infertility online. In the real world, everyone around me is pregnant. I suffered a miscarriage when I was 25 and I havent been able to get pregnant ever since. I went to the doctors and they confirmed that I have infertility issues. I am always angry and i feel worthless. I hate other mothers who walk around like the are the goddesses on earth chosen by god to give life through pregnancy and to give happiness to their husbands, partners, parents, parents – in – law etc.
I cant help but wonder. yes its true that the world projects that image of motherhood as the ultimate definition of a woman and not god. but why did he choose me…you..and the others to walk in shame everyday? its difficult not to think that i have no purpose in life and i am not a proper woman when i can see it reflected in their eyes.
and i cannot go to family gatherings because all the women wants to do is talk about their children. i told my husband to leave me so that he can go and marry someone who can carry his children. i know i sound crazy, but that is how irrelevant i feel. i am amazed at the strong hope and spirit the rest of you have shown.. i am envious…
January 25, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Samantha
Hello Trish
I’m 29 years old- been married for 9 yrs in August and am barren. I often get “Oh, your so young to not have children or “Your so young to have had trouble getting pregnant, thats so unusual”. One Christian man even told me that I had a generational curse on me and that *I* of my husband and I was responsible for not being able to have children. What a blow to one’s faith- and it really made me think I had done something to anger God or that he was mad at me or I wasn’t a good enough person worthy of being a mother. It has taken me some time to get clarity and realize that man was ignorant and misinformed. Doctors want me to do this and that, try this pill, try this procedure. While hope is always present – I’m ready to accept being barren. And not let the world or myself tell me that motherhood is what will make me a real woman. I want to be the woman God wants me to be but I didn’t think he’d have no children in the picture. I say that now that I am ready to accept being barren but may find myself depressed tomorrow. Its a cycle we all go through. We have our good days, We have our bad days. We wonder why. Stay Strong and know there are others of us out there that are going through what you are. Many Hugs, Love Samantha
May 3, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Amy
I’m sorry if I’m saying pish posh about this issue. A woman is just being simply a woman in God’s eyes, regardless if any woman gave birth or not. Why? I was an adopted child since my own mother never gave a birth to a child herself because she’s infertile so she chose to adopt my sister and me. She, to my own eyes, is the most wonderful mother in the entire world. She did her part as a loving mother would to my sister and me. For that, I am forever grateful to her for giving me a home and a room to grow into the individual I am today, a strong believer in Christ because the 3 of us are adopted by Christ. My sister never gave birth (for really good reasons). Now, we’re much more than mother and daughter, we are also adult women and sisters in Christ, and we talked about we can’t wait to see each other again in Heaven when it is our time to go so we have nothing to lose because we are bonded in spirit rather than by flesh and blood. Hallelujah!
We are living in a different world now unlike during the Old Testament where God told Adam and Eve plus Abraham plus Noah to go forth and multiply where there was almost non-existent human population at the time. Now, I feel that we’re called to minister and serve our fellow human beings about Jesus, and that there’s a kingdom beyond this fallen world. It’s easier to be adopted into the kingdom rather than flesh and blood today, if you catch my drift. =) Again, not ALL women are called to motherhood, but most will be. If a woman happens to be infertile, then God must have other plans for this woman. That’s how I see it. =) God bless you!
October 1, 2011 at 9:52 am
Amy
Wow! You hit the nail on the head here. I’ve been looking for a christian site about fertility. I’ve been struggling for about 6 years trying to get pregnant. Every morning, my cell phone alarm reads “Romans 12:2″. This is my daily reminder “to not conform to the ways of this world…”. Honestly, after reading your post, I can see how I have put researching fertility and adoption information above God. I need to remember that He is in control and like you said our “Ideal and Ultimate”. Thanks for sharing this. I look forward to drawing closer to God and finding peace knowing that He is in control as I search through your past posts and read your future posts. Thanks!
November 18, 2011 at 1:12 am
Shawna D
What a great reminder of the ultimate bond we as Christian women need to be nurturing, our relationship with God. I hadn’t really thought about how much motherhood is held up as the “ultimate” expression of womanhood but it’s true. Thank you for reminding me of what truly makes a Godly woman. It was very comforting. Thanks
again.
SD
SD
December 21, 2011 at 2:38 am
Mardie
Just wanted to share this from the book, Called to Adoption:
Infertility sometimes feels as though your body doesn’t work correctly.
Perhaps it is just God calling you to another purpose, another part of His perfect plan? He is calling you to be more than you are and to love a child born outside of your womb, yet inside of your heart.
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you, whom you have received from God?
You are not your own; you were bought at a price.”
1 Corinthians 6:19,20
God bless you!
March 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm
J Dunaway
I am so thankful to have read this. I grieve over the baby I don’t have. I also feel like less of a woman and less of a person. I pray for the Lord’s will in my life and to let go of this dream. If its the Lords will, it will happen for me. Its just so hard and sad. I feel so alone most days. I pray for the peace that only the Lord can give and tonight He brought me here. Thank you for this.