I’ve been rather consumed with the beginning of the semester, and although I’ve begun many blog postings in my head during my commute, I haven’t had a chance to actually commit them to writing.

 But this morning, while reading about what’s up in the blogosphere, I came across this post from Janna regarding an upcoming topic on the Tyra Banks Show, and wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention.  [Thanks again, Janna, for a great heads-up!]

I have taken the opportunity to write Tyra a passionate response about the show’s topic, while at the same time urging her (or, rather, her producers) to address the struggles of the infertile community with greater understanding and less divisiveness.  I encourage you to do the same, if you have a few minutes.

 Here’s what I wrote: 

Dear Tyra,  Please don’t air the show as described above!  As a woman who has been struggling with infertility issues for over eight years I can assure you that the tone stated in the above summary is devisive and demeaning to women who are dealing with the often conflicting emotions of infertiity.  We are pressured from every angle to successfully conceive and bear children, whether it’s our family members who keep saying, “but I want you to have my grandchildren” to the medical community that always has ONE more step to take, one more procedure, one more option.  The fact is that, as infertile women in this modern age of medicine, we are often not “given the option” of giving up and moving on with dignity and grace.  Every message we receive is cloaked in the unstated judgement, “maybe you don’t want it badly enough because you haven’t done x…”

Really, we rely on our friends to be truthsayers as well as supporters, but calling us “obsessed” puts us further in the shadows and alienates us from those who we desperately need to accept us and our trials. 

My husband and I are not longer trying to conceive, nor are we trying to adopt.  But instead, we are trying to find our purpose in this life outside of parenting.   But I can remember all too well when I could make no one happy at all with the decisions I made regarding my infertility treatments.  For some, it was not enough, for others, it was too much, and all I knew was that I felt as though I had to try whatever I could. 

Couldn’t you do a show addressing the issues and pain of infertility without marginalizing infertile women even more?  I would love to see some dialogue between infertile and fertile women whereby we try to establish that, even though we are infertile, we are still women; we are not less-than-women, we are not incomplete women.  We still have maternal urges that go unfulfilled.  We still want to know what pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering is about.  We beg our fertile friends not to keep us in the dark or at arm’s length.  We are not crazy.   We are often sad, desperate, cornered, guilt-ridden, and confused.

On another note, surrogacy or adoption is not necessarily the “cure” for infertility.  One can never regain the loss of the experience of pregnancy or childbirth, the loss of being able to see your husband’s smile in your child’s eyes, and the loss of knowing intimately a child you carried in your womb.  Surrogacy and adoption place children in your family, but can not completely resolve the pain and trauma of infertility.

Would you call a woman with a sick child, who tried to do everything possible to find a cure for that child, “obsessed”, and if so, would that have a negative connotation,such as in the case of your show?  Would you tell her to give up and get over it, to have another child, or adopt another child to replace her lost child?   No, of course not.  What you have to understand is that the children of infertile women are still very real to us, even if they are not realized.  To lose hope in having a biological child is to accept the “death” of that envisioned child in your womb, and to go through a period of grief and mourning for that potential of life within you.

If you have any other questions regarding the very real and crushing realities of being infertile in today’s society, please do not hesitate to contact me or any other infertile woman.   You shouldn’t have any trouble finding us: 16% of American couples have infertility issues.  We’re just never encouraged to discuss them meaningfully in public.  I believe that many women would welcome the opportunity to raise awareness of our struggles and how much we need sisterhood from those who are fertile.

If you are prompted to write a letter, please keep in mind that anything less that graciousness and rationality will only strengthen the stereotype of infertile women as crazy and obsessed.

Peace be with you all, and I’ll post something more personal soon.  Hopefully tonight, since I have some news.  [Before you ask, no, I'm not expecting!  ;- ) ]

With love,

Trish