And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

This promise from Romans 8:28 is what I cling to in the darkest moments of my struggles with infertility.  The very idea that all this pain, and fear, and heartache, and disappointment can be woven through the tapestry of God’s plan to produce something good is both reassuring and unfathomable.

It’s a promise that I believe with my head.  Afterall, it’s consistent with everything I know about God’s workings through His Word.

It’s a promise that I belive with my heart.  I’ve had quiet moments of conversation with the Lord during which I can hear His Holy Spirit whisper and calm my anguished soul.

Sometimes, though, it’s a promise I have difficulty believing in my feet.

When the way is hard, and I stumble on the rocks and the broken glass that the path of infertility is paved with, it’s hard to keep my feet moving forward in faith.  Have you ever felt that feeling, when your feet hurt so much that you don’t feel like you can take one more step?  Or when the pavement is so hot that you can’t stand anymore with any poise or dignity, so you try desperately to skip across the surface without feeling the pain…and fail?  That’s what I mean by the challenge of believing the promise in my feet. It’s the kind of faith that keeps me moving towards maturity in my Christian walk, even when it hurts to go forward, and moving forward even when I feel the burning pain.

But it’s not just moving to keep from stopping.  It’s not simple avoidance of the appearance of failure that keeps my feet on this path.  It’s knowing that this path leads somewhere, and I need to know where that is, and what God’s promise holds for me.  He tells me that it is good, and I want to be there.

He promises that it’s good, but not that it’s easy.  It certainly hasn’t felt good to me, but He assures me through His promise that He will make this journey have meaning in His Plan.  Even if His plan for me never involves children of my own, I know He gave me the desire to love and to nurture, and that He intends for me to use it to His Glory.  He held me in the depths of my suffering and promised me that He would use it to work miracles in His Kingdom.  He can do that.

Somehow, through His divine will, the struggles of my infertility will reap a harvest for Him.  Perhaps through my speaking, or my writing, or my empathy.  Perhaps I won’t know until the end of my days what gave my life meaning in his Plan.  But I do know that I have to keep believing in order to reach the end of this journey.

I have to believe in His promises in my head, in my heart, but most importantly, in my feet.